


You're a Disappointment, Dean Winchester

by locknessmonster



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean in Denial, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-03
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-03 07:59:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/locknessmonster/pseuds/locknessmonster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't handle letting his dad down. Not again. Even if it means denying himself something he knows he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freckles are Angel Kisses

"What?" Castiel asked, bent over his cereal bowl almost protectively as he inhaled some simple (and somewhat stale) cornflakes like they were France's finest. Dean wouldn't think about the fact that Cas was worshiping his food the same way he had when he'd come out of purgatory- he was still thankful for every single meal he had, every cheeseburger a treasure.  
"Nothing." The hunter replied, averting his attention. He hadn't realized that he'd been looking at their long-lost angel.  
"Is there something you'd like to talk about?" He persisted, tearing his attention away from his breakfast long enough to look at the person he didn't want to admit he'd missed. He had a way of letting Dean down, and in the time he'd become human he had tried his hardest to forget that Dean's opinion of him meant so much.  
"No."  
"Are you sure?"  
 _Are you sure?_  
"Yeah, Cas. Just eat."  
"Do you have to watch me do it, or..." Dean stood up abruptly, leaving the room. He just- he hadn't ever gotten any time to breathe. Just get used to what was going on or even figure things out, and then before he could forgive anyone, Cas was back out of their lives again.  
And honestly? He wanted to apologize. He wanted to thank Castiel because he really was trying to do what was right, tell him that it was fine. Tell him that-  
Not like he ever would, right? No chick-flick moments.  
He was getting tired of losing people. Castiel, Sammy, Charlie... Kevin and Garth (if you counted him), they were the only ones left.  
Perhaps his already-broken rule could be pushed aside one time? (Though it should be noted that he'd had a few drinks, and was slightly more loose with his tongue.)  
He turned around, facing back into the room he'd left Cas in, bookshelves reaching out in an expanse that still impressed Sam every time he saw it.  
"Actually, Cas," He started, already regretting this and feeling stupid. "I should tell you." He put his hand up on the doorway, leaning on it like he was posing for a photoshoot, his other hand tucked loosely in his pocket.  
"Yes?" The angel asked, his spoon slowing down as a hint of uncertainty came to him. What was going on...?  
"You did good. Okay." The hunter didn't linger long after that, knowing he hadn't done what he wanted to but really too embarrassed to try any more than that..  
"Dean." Cas called, sitting up straight and looking after him. "Dean!"  
He kept walking, an unexplained blush spreading across his freckles.

The Hunter's first reaction was to turn and hit the person who owned the hand that grabbed his arm- instinct, really- but he stopped himself in time.  
"What do you want?" He asked, as if he didn't know. The once-angel's gaze moved over Dean's face, unashamed. It was like he was trying to make sure every feature was in it's proper place.  
"I want to ask you if- the pizza man loved that girl, right? That's why he did-?"  
An angry blush flooded the hunter's cheeks, and his eyebrows came down. How could Cas ask him something so strange right now?  
"I guess so, I don't know, you aren't really supposed to think too hard about it." He said, trying to pull away. Cas's fingers on his arm didn't loosen, unfortunately.  
"Then, if I loved someone, I would have to show it through physical actions as well?"  
"Not necessarily, I don't know, Cas, you angel freaks are weird enough as it is." Dean said defensively- he felt a creeping kind of terror rising in his throat that was completely alien, and it didn't really fit the situation. He'd been scared before- but this was the kind of scared that one got when someone was dangerously close to finding out a secret they'd kept hidden all their lives. This was the fear someone got when the person they loved rejected them, that lonely sort of horror that sat in your heart and made you afraid to ever let anyone in again. Cas, however, seemed determined.  
He looked like he was making up his mind about something, his fingers releasing Dean's arm but quickly rising to wrap warmly around the back of the Winchester's neck. It was non-threatening, but way too familiar and Dean was ashamed of himself for not pushing the psuedo angel away. He let himself take that small step forward, let the calloused-yet-soft hand run it's way rampant through his hair as his eyelids dropped, the air tighten and warm with the closeness of skin. Dehydrated lips brushed his, the ones he caught himself looking at in conversation, the ones that formed words so perfectly and yet the ones he was embarrassed to admit he liked- the soft scratch that was a result of Cas not having access to a razor, breath mingling with his own-  
And then the once-angel (still-angel, really,) pulled away, a kind of oh-shit-I-fucked-up look on his face as he studied Dean's reaction.  
The Hunter went from surprise, to a soft kind of expression, to hard anger.  
"What the hell, Castiel?!" He shouted, backing away. They both knew that he'd liked it- the way his breathing stopped, how his mind drew a blank and for the life of him he simply couldn't bother to stop Cas from doing what he saw coming from a mile away.  
"I don't believe hell has anything to do with it." Cas did that thing- where he tilted his head ever so slightly to the side and narrowed his eyes a little, his expression curiosity touched with something complex as he looked right back his angry Winchester.  
He told himself he wasn't going to give in to whatever freaky feeling was screwing with him.  
 _I'm not fucking gay._  
As if that was going to change anything.  
"That's not what I- Why the hell did you kiss me?!" He asked, his voice rising a bit more than strictly necessary.  
"You said that a physical display of affection was necessary- apparently less direct ways don't work on you." He replied simply, as if that was all there was to it.  
No, he couldn't be- this was stupid- Dean had seen his father sneer and throw still-burning cigarette butts at- people like- he didn't want to disappoint- not again-  
He shoved the angel away from him and walked away, leaving Castiel there to wonder what he'd done wrong.


	2. S-S-Senpai?

"Get the fuck away from me." Dean growled the next morning when Castiel tried to approach him. Cas was hurt and frustrated and angry- and now he couldn't even leave because nowhere else was safe. It was just him and Dean, coupled with the empty absence of Sam, who was out trying to find a healer so he didn't have to deal with Ezekiel anymore. Long story, ending in a loud argument and Sam leaving the  
He and Dean were on eggshells with each other, too.  
"I'm sorry." He said in that deep, vulnerable tone that he had. "I'm sorry."  
Dean wasn't phased.  
He didn't _want_ an apology. He'd gotten far too many of them from Sam for Cas's to matter to him. Maybe he wanted to grab the angel by the collar and steal that kiss back from him. But the mere thought, that he would want something like that, _appalled_ him.  
"Shut up." He growled, moving around Cas to go past him. There was a frozen moment where they were close, but it was over quickly. He wasn't sure if he should be thankful or upset about that.  
"Dean." Castiel snapped in his frustrated voice.  
"What?" He near-shouted, turning to face him again. The angel took in a breath, as if to give himself patience. He didn't want to yell at the hunter in what he considered to be a delicate matter.  
"I wasn't trying to hurt you, Dean. I thought it would make you understand."  
"Yeah? Understand what, exactly? That you've _got a crush_ , that you _love_ me? Fuck no, Cas." Another angry blush was forming on his cheeks like a storm cloud, giving away a lot of things he wasn't saying. That Castiel couldn't possibly care like that- it was stupid, because only Sam _cared like that_ and even then he shouldn't. Dean wasn't _worth_ caring for.  
Just when this Winchester was trying to apologize for letting Castiel down so much, now he went and did some stupid shit like this. And John-Dad- he couldn't fuck it up again. He was already a disappointment.  
"Listen to me! I'm not joking. This isn't some sort of trick. You're your own person, so make your own choices. What _other_ people think doesn't matter."  
There was an intense look in Castiel's eyes, like he just honestly wanted to make it better and put things back where he'd found them. Dean paused, the words making sense. Then the hunter's expression fell into one of almost betrayal, how _dare_ Cas say something like that to him?  
"Great, are you doing that shit where you look into someone's past? Like that hooker who's dad left? I'm not- fuck it, Cas, you'll never understand." Cas blinked, taking a step back as if he was pushed.  
"Neither will you." The angel replied blandly, and walked away.  
Dean stayed rooted to the spot, torn between trying to fix this and being angry alone.  
He ended up leaning against the bulky machinery, arms crossed as he brooded. In his mind there was absolutely no doubt of two things: One, was that he had- _something_ \- for Castiel. He'd known that since Cas had appeared while he was praying, and he'd been absolutely sure by the time the leviathans took him over. Two, was that it was wrong. Cas could like whoever he wanted, but Dean was expected to be better than that. He'd never judged anyone, never even saw it as _wrong_ \- but he couldn't fall in love with a man, because Dad thought it was disgusting.  
He ran his hands through his hair, stretching, wondering if Castiel was okay. He'd been pretty harsh.  
And why? Honestly? Because he was afraid? Sam always said- even though Dean didn't listen, Sammy had always tried to tell him the same thing Cas had. Drop it, Dean, you've done enough that I don't think you need to worry about what someone else thinks. He said it lightly, but...  
Really, is saving the world enough to justify letting his father down?  
He... didn't know.  
With a tired kind of groan, he pushed off the alien machinery and started towards the room Cas slept in.  
 _This is stupid._  
A queasy, twisted feeling formed in his stomach. Why were the hallways so long?  
Hand on the doorknob.  
Wait.  
 _Maybe I should knock first._  
"Cas?" He called, his voice softer than he meant it to be.  
He wasn't used to apologies. Rephrase, Dean Winchester wasn't used to _making_ apologies.  
"I don't want to fight." Cas responded dully from the other side of the door.  
"Listen, me neither, I just wanted to, you know... I didn't mean that, okay?" Once again the hunter's face was turning hot, telling himself what an idiot he was being.  
Castiel's voice was closer to the door when it rumbled again.  
"... Is this what you would call a gesture of affection?"  
Dean paused, cursing himself silently.  
"Technically, yeah, but this isn't the same." He said, a hand on each side of the door as he leaned against it, his head hanging forward and his eyes burning into the ground. He should have said that differently. They were too busy with the family business to be doing this... He didn't _want_ to figure this little detail out. Why did he even come over here to apologize?  
It wasn't really like him. Wasn't he the one that drank beer in the morning and insisted there be no chick-flick moments? The one that broke into his brother's house just to ask a favor?  
He was surprised to answer himself no. He hadn't been that way for a few years now.  
Very suddenly the door was pulled open from the inside, and the hunter fell forward with a surprised shout.  
 _This kind of shit only happens in fucking Anime._  
Predictably, he fell forward.  
Castiel didn't seem to know what to do with the Winchester in his arms, feet for some reason unable to find ground. He simply held him up, looking at him like _"Is this a normal occurrence for you?"_  
Dean hastily regained his balance, standing and pulling himself away from Cas, not meeting his eyes. Castiel smelled like he'd taken three showers in a row, strong soap-y ish. He'd shaved since yesterday, too. He looked healthy for the first time in a while.  
"I- ah, don't- I just. Yeah. Okay." Dean stuttered, taking a few embarrassed steps backwards and stumbling over his own feet again. He didn't like noticing things like he was- it was, well- Cas just- _Dean wanted to scream in frustration like a spoiled teenager right about now_.  
Cas simply watched him.  
It was almost like watching a newborn giraffe figure out it's own legs.

"Dean, it's okay." Cas tried to calm him down, but his blush only turned an angrier, more violent shade of embarrassed.

"Shut up, Cas." He replied shortly, but despite himself a smile came to his face.


	3. Sinister Candy and Lights-Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I should apologize in advance for the shortness of this chapter.

Dean saw the blood before he felt the sharp sting, grabbing his fingers and hot-stepping it to the nearest sink- in the kitchen- while trying not to drip crimson on the floor. It had been two days since the weird incident, and the tense air had relaxed considerably. Cas and he exchanged glances he told himself didn't mean anything, what seemed like constantly. The thought still kept him up at night- he still found himself thinking about every woman he'd ever slept with, as if that would prove this wasn't what it seemed like.   
He was brought back to himself, jerking his hand out from under the increasingly hot water.   
Well, at least it was sterile.   
"Are you okay?" He jumped again at that voice, swearing loudly.   
"Jesus, Cas! You're really into those jumpscares, aren't you?" Dean choked, whipping a handtowel off the counter. He leaned his weight against the sink, drying his hands.   
He heard the rustle of fabric that wasn't coming from him, and looked up to see Cas pull a lolipop out of one of his trenchcoat pockets. The angel seemed surprised that it was there, inspecting it carefully.  
"What's the matter? It's candy. You eat it." The hunter teased, reaching under the cabinets and fishing around for a first-aid kit.   
Castiel threw him an unseen I'm-not-that-stupid look, still examining the cotton-candy flavored mystery in his hands.  
"I know that, it's just that I don't remember putting it in my pocket." He unwrapped it, revealing a perfectly normal sphere of pure sugar underneath.   
He cautiously stuck out his tongue, and on an experiment, licked it.   
Oh.   
His face changed at the taste- it was, as Dean would say, _damn good_.  
So Dean turned around to find Castiel making out with his lolipop.   
"Well, you sure got over that fast." He laughed, straightening and for the life of him _trying not to look too long._  
Okay, so the angel was freaking weird and, besides, what the fuck was it with all these lame cliches? It was like some sort of sappy romance novel no one had put the imagination into for it to be _original_ in any sense of the word.

He fumbled with the stupid band-aids, glaring down at his hands.  
"Could be poisoned, you know." He warned. Castiel nearly choked, instantly throwing the sucker down at the floor and stepping back from it. Dean raised his eyebrows.  
"Jeez."   
Cas, of course, didn't say anything.

 _Fine. If it won't work the easy way, let's have a little more fun with you, shall we?_  
That thought didn't come from Castiel, or the Winchester, or even the lolipop, for that matter. It came from someone else entirely, and no one was there to hear it.

That's when Dean's cell went off.   
He was almost relived to answer it instead of talking to a now-scared Cas, eyeing the sinister candy like it had insulted him.   
"Hello?" He answered, absently placing the towel back onto the counter. A half a second later, his entire face lit up, his eyes moving to Castiel excitedly.  
"Sam? Where are you?"

Twenty minutes later they were at the nearest airport. Castiel had his feathers ruffled- Dean hadn't driven below 95 miles per hour the entire drive here.   
He was glad to be standing on firm ground.  
Dean's head whipped back and forth, eyes searching the crowd for Sam.  
He certainly hadn't taken an airline ticket, so where was he?   
Why couldn't he see his brother, several inches taller than everyone else?  
The Hunter turned back to Cas, only to find an empty space in the crowd, like he'd just gone off without him.  
"Cas?!" He called, a high note of alarm in his voice. Dammit, everyone seemed to be getting louder, arguing, laughing, complaining, coughing, walking. Tension squirmed in the pit of his stomach, making him feel sick and claustrophobic. 

He turned around, fear gripping his heart like a fist of ice. Okay, he was calm. He was going to find Sam. And Cas. And get the fuck out of this weird-ass place. He didn't feel normal here.

But that's when the lights dimmed in the brightly-lit airport. That's when the sun was extinguished like a candle and all that was left of the brightness was the soft glow of cell-phone screens and television monitors. Everyone, all rushing to their gates and talking in stressed-out tones, all of them, froze. They didn't even breathe.

Time stopped around the Winchester, and he was alone.


End file.
